tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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