Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
