i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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