Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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