you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
