Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
