As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
