I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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