i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
