The maid of honor just puked.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
