She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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