Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize