final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Randomize
