before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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