in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The power of my boobs compel you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
