I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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