turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
