3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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