I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
