There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
