I cockslap morals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
