I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
