I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
