It was confusing and full of hummus
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
