He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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