I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
