Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
