The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
