Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
50% drunk capacity currently
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
