so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
