I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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