if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
