Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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