I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
