News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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