Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
