Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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