Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
