There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's paint friendship bongs
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
