Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
