The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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