My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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