God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
