i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
