Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
