There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize