mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
