Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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