ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
