Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
