I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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