I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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