If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
