Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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