Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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