pop tarts are not kleenex
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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